Welcome to the second instalment of this series, where I decide to let the truth be known about certain supposed ‘good guys’ who are stomping around the lore being complete jerks. Having shown how A’dal is actually an evil mastermind, today I will be dealing with a terrible threat which may one day soon be released upon Azeroth. The true horror of the forthcoming Cataclysm is not Deathwing or the falling property prices in Darkshore, but takes the form of a rather annoying hybrid boy-hero, known as Med’an.
“Me-who?” you may ask, and that would be a totally forgiveable question, as today’s subject of derision has not yet appeared in-game. So far, the ridiculously-muscled teenager pictured above has only appeared in the series of WoW comics. I fervently hope that’s where he will stay, but the odds are sadly against that.
There is a thorough, spoilerful summary of his life to be found here for those interested. For those of you without the patience, allow me to summarise. Med’an is half Human, a quarter Orc and a quarter Draenei (despite looking more like an Orc than anything else, I guess greenskin genetics rule!). This is because he is the product of a brief tryst between Medivh, greatest mage who ever lived, and Garona Halforcen, the (imaginatively named) half-orc assassin who reluctantly murdered King Llane Wrynn of Stormwind. So already there’s a lot going on with this kid.
Abandoned by his mother, Med’an was raised by an undead mage called Meryl, presumably because dead guys make the best babysitters. Eventually he discovers who his mother his and becomes the target of a plot by the Twilight’s Hammer cult. These evil-doers want to take control of Med’an and use his innate power to free their master, the not-quite-dead-after-all Old God, C’thun. Apparently nobody told the Twilight’s Hammer that Med’an is made of pure win, and is protected by Tier 10 plot armour. First, the plucky teenager has a quick Yoda-type session with the ghost of his dear-departed dad. Next he gets powered up by his grandmother and other major magical hero-types to become the next Guardian of Tirisfal. Having become more powerful than Obi-wan could possibly imagine, he promptly goes and blows up a bunch of Twilight’s Hammer cultists and saves the world from C’thun. He does all this before his bedtime and goes home for a lovely warm cup of cocoa.
Quite frankly I’m at a loss on where to start with my hatred for this kid. Well, lets start with the obvious: Med’an is the biggest Mary Sue we’ve ever seen in the lore of Warcraft. I mean, the little twerp has fallen right out of some badly-written fanfic. A young handsome super-hero who is good at everything he does, who saves the world because he combines all kinds of magic at once, thanks to his intriguing parentage? Also there is an ancient prophecy about him, can’t be without one of those. Oh and did I mentioned that he has no flaws whatsoever? I just felt a little sick in my mouth.
The thing that bugs me most is his powers. Apparently he has a “natural affinity” for magic because of his parentage (there it is again). Ok, I’ll let him off with the arcane magic part, since his father was a master sorceror and he spent his childhood raised by a mage (and lets face it, magic tricks are probably one of the few things a walking corpse can do to entertain a small child).
But it doesn’t stop there. Apparently some ancestor on Med’an’s Orcish side was a powerful Shaman, and so obviously he’s acquired the powers of shamanism as well… apart from the fact that that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever. Shamanistic powers are not “inherited”, they are earned through a hard-won symbiotic relationship with the elemental spirits and a fundamental understanding of the balance of all things. Apparently all that doesn’t matter for Med’an though, because his heritage is just that amazing. It seems that when Thrall (who was related to more Shamans than Med’an ever was) went through his long spiritual journey to become a Shaman he was wasting his time. Instead, he should have just pranced around like a moron saying things like this:
“Wind, blast them apart”? Seriously? Seriously Blizzard, that’s what the greatest hero of Azeroth does? Is this Warcraft or Captain Planet? A big hand for Med’an the great Shaman everyone. Except did I mention he’s even more amazing than that? As if a Mage/Shaman teenage superhero was not enough of a stupid concept, Med’an is also a paladin! Yup, he learnt the powers of the holy Light from his great uncle. No really; the depressing thing is I am NOT making this up! What’s next? Is he going to be skipping up Mt Hyjal one day, bump into his long-lost cousin Malfurion and accidentally become a druid by peeing against the World Tree?
So, taking a big gulp of whisky to take away the pain, lets review. Med’an is a part-Human, part-Orc, part-Draenei Mage-Shaman-Paladin or a Humorcnei Mashamadin for short. Of course, normally learning just one of these incredible disciplines would require years of study, meditation and hard work, but Med’an laughs in the face of such realism.
To add insult to injury, Med’an the magnificent has now become the new Guardian of Tirisfal and therefore one of the most important and powerful beings on Azeroth. Apparently this is the kind of pressure that a teenage boy can handle no problem. I mean sure, his grandmother had to study tirelessly under the greatest mages in the world to be deemed worthy of such power. Oh and his father slipped into a coma when his Guardian powers were awakened as a teenager, because his young mind was not able to handle the strain. But for Med’an becoming the most powerful entity in the world is as easy as being a condescending wanker, which conveniently, he is.
The worst part of all this is that we’ll very likely see Med’an’s smug face in-game when Cataclysm comes out. There have already been a lot of rumours about it, and given that the Twilight’s Hammer will play a big part in the expansion, the odds are that their new arch-nemesis wonder-boy will too. Now I don’t want to sound prejudiced, but if this should actually come to pass, I have just one thing to say:
Die Med’an. Just. Bloody. Die.