Having just read this great post on LFM listing the top things she will do if she becomes a raid boss in WoW (which you should definitely read for a chuckle), I was inspired to do the same. Which admittedly means I’m stealing the idea, but hey I’m an evil WoW boss now, that’s the kind of thing I do.
So here are the key things I will do if I became a raid boss:
1. I will make sure that my impenetrable lair is actually impenetrable. That means no secret tunnels into the heart of the base (I’m looking at you Illidan), no giving anyone else the keys (*cough* Sapphirron), and I definitely won’t allow there to be a magic portal that leads from the base of the good guys and straight into my own inner sanctum (Seriously Sartharion, what were you thinking?)
2. My entire dungeon will be designed along a simple layout where adventurers can effectively keep going straight through a one-way series of connected rooms. I will not be at the end of these rooms, I will be hidden behind an unmarked door to the left of the instance entrance.
3. Every single room in my dungeon will include some twisted version of the game frogger.
4. Also, every single room in my dungeon will contain multiple deadly traps, except for one which will contain a massive statue of Admiral Ackbar, and no traps whatsoever.
5. I will build a teleport system throughout my dungeon, to allow convenient access to upper levels once adventurers have made sufficient progress. However all the teleporters will transport anyone using them into a lake of fire.
6. I will always send my minions to attack in large zerg-like waves of death. Unlike certain bosses (Nefarian, Ke’thuzad etc), I believe it’s counter-productive to send monsters in small groups of twos and threes when there are literally hundreds at my command.
7. Similarly I will hold regular team-building exercises amongst my minions to encourage mutual support. That way when one group of them gets attacked the others will all come and help, rather than standing there gaping like idiots until the tank comes over to their part of the room.
8. I will never monologue about how inevitable the defeat of my enemies is. Kill first, gloat later.
9. I will not be a good guy who became corrupted. The people you betray always seem to survive and raise an army of adventurers to kill you.
10. If I have the power to create illusions, I will not create the image of some creepy screaming woman who is obviously the big bad. I will instead manufacture the illusion of my corpse and some loot and wait for the adventurers to go away.
11. If I have the power to incapacitate all the adventurers attacking me whilst I go flick a switch, drink a potion or cast a spell, I will instead do none of these things and just leave the adventurers incapacitated. Then I’ll leave and blow up everything in the room.
12. If there are any pools of water in my lair, even small puddles, I will place extremely sharp spikes in them. That way when adventurers try to use them to unrealistically survive falls from enormous heights, they will instead be very realistically skewered to death.
13. If I have captured someone who the good guys want to rescue, I will not set a timer running once they enter the instance to see if they can save them in time. I will instead kill the hostage immediately, teleport out of the area and nuke the entire site from orbit. Just to be sure.
And finally…. I will have a whole wing of my lair inhabited entirely by ladies of dubious virtue. Medivh had the right idea!